Ingratitude

“I’ve had it!” Jack threw himself into the chair and folded his arms across his chest, “That [expletive deleted] has taken advantage of me for the last time!”

Though not one to hold back his feelings, I’d never heard my 40-something directee use that kind of language before. I’d never seen him so angry before, either. Still, it wasn’t hard to guess the source of his outrage; for the past three months he had been mentoring an intern at his worksite. The relationship had been rocky from the start; according to Jack the younger man was a “smug, self-satisfied know-it-all, who thinks the world owes him a living.”

It was not a task Jack had chosen for himself but, as he put it, he’d “received standing orders from the C.O.” [Commanding Officer = boss]. Jack took great pleasure in using military jargon whenever possible, and had the looks and bearing of an RAF Officer straight out of Central Casting — although his entire enlistment was spent Stateside as a member of the Army Reserve. Jack played on this gruff and slightly formal manner to great success: his clients found him reassuring, his opponents were intimidated and — in general — his colleagues enjoyed the performance.

And — a fact known to only his pastor and to me — Jack was a twice-weekly friendly visitor at the local Veterans’ Hospital. He was a solid, capable, good-hearted fellow. What was it about this young man that turned him into a raging bull?

I wondered aloud if it wasn’t simple overload; perhaps Jack’s visits to the VA required all of his coping skills — so that even the slightest nuisance at the office would throw things off balance. Maybe today’s encounter with the intern was the straw that broke the camel’s back.

In our sessions we’d spoken at length and prayed often about the veterans Jack visited at the hospital. The severity of their injuries, the losses they had endured, the terrors they had seen, the hopes that had vanished, the marriages that had collapsed, the nightmares that never went away ... the obstacles they faced every living day were tremendous. Even hearing these tragic tales secondhand often left me weak and weepy.

Jack shook his head stiffly, his bright blue eyes focused in the distance, “Being with those heroic men makes me proud. It makes me humble....” his voice trailed off and for a moment I thought he might weep. Instead, with a sudden ferocity he brought both of his hands down onto the coffee table with a great crash. “It makes me grateful. Grateful!” he repeated, “Not like that smug ignorant jackass — strolling around, healthy and carefree — while some of those men have to fight for their every breath!”

We sat together in ringing stillness, letting his words soak in.

He was right, of course. Several of the veterans were tethered to oxygen tanks and constantly struggled to fill their damaged lungs with air; it literally hurt them to breathe. Some were unable to shout or speak or sigh — as we did freely, without a moment’s thought.

And Jack was also right about the importance of gratitude.

Back in Real Time

Right now you’re probably taking a deep breath. A couple of minutes ago you weren’t even thinking about it, but you’re suddenly grateful for the ability to breathe, delighted that your lungs work easily and efficiently — thankful that you can do this “simple” thing without difficulty.

You weren’t really ungrateful earlier, just ... thoughtless. Forgetful.

That happens. We’re busy people living busy lives in a complex world. There are issues and concerns that demand our attention, worries that distract us, jobs and responsibilities that we cannot ignore ... Stuff happens all the time, and the simple, uncomplicated things tend to just drop off our radar. We begin to take our health and our bodies for granted.

Now You Know

Sitting here in this moment of awareness and gratitude, a question arises: how can we hold on to this? How can we maintain a real sense of the thousands of small blessings that make up our daily lives? What will help us to stay mindful, grateful, prayerful people?

Begin with Prayer

For each of us the answer will be slightly different. A good start is to set aside time each day for praise and thanksgiving. Most of us have a daily prayer regimen, but often these conversations with God turn into kvetching sessions — in which we fuss and complain and ask for things. That’s OK: the Holy One is ready and able to listen, and it is important to honestly speak of our needs and concerns.

And ... it is equally important to give thanks. It isn’t that the Blessing Giver needs an ego-stroking (although I imagine it is nice to be appreciated for what you do, even if You are God). The benefit is to us; praising the Beloved gives us a sense of perspective, teaching us to see the God’s gifts of love and beauty and joy.

Prayers of thanksgiving are like soft blankets that we wrap around ourselves as we recount the many good things we enjoy. They are reassuring, heart-warming; comforting. Praise prayers are a nice way to end the day.

Time Out for Gratitude

It’s also important to take the time to remind ourselves of what gratitude feels like. We can get so bogged down in duties and obligations that we can forget to be joyful. We treat “fun things” as less important than doing another load of laundry or mopping the kitchen floor. But — to paraphrase our Lord: “the housework will always be with you.”

There will always be tasks that need to be done, wrongs to be righted: but they must not overwhelm our spirits — or our lives. It is a spiritual duty — our responsibility to God — to retain our sense of joy and delight; that grateful, merry heart that praises all it sees.

Individuality

Again, what brings joy to our souls will vary. For some of us it will be a walk in the woods or spending an afternoon pottering in the garden; others will take delight in working in an animal shelter, teaching folks to read, or coaching kids’ sports; for the talented among us it may be time spent painting, singing, or dancing.

For Jack, his hospital visits were exercises in gratitude. He was thankful for the opportunity to spend time with the vets, he loved hanging out with military folks; speaking their language, hearing their stories and sharing his own. Time and again Jack spoke of how much he learned and how deeply he was blessed each time he visited them.

Gratitude, Not Relief

Jack’s experiences at the VA brings up another aspect of rightful praise: it is genuine joy, not shivering relief. As often as we talked about the men who were there, I never heard any trace of pity in his voice, only admiration. He came away uplifted; inspired by their courage and resilience, and grateful for their lives and the lessons they taught him — unlike the Pharisee who thanked God because he wasn’t in the situation as the (miserable) publican (Lk 18:9-14).

Gratitude is a happy heart, delighted in things as they are — not in comparison to something unpleasant. Imagine giving someone a gift and, by way of thanks, he says, “Well, I’ve seen sweaters that look worse than this.”

Praise and thanksgiving bubbles up from a deep joy; it is not a grim acknowledgement that “there are people who are worse off than us.”

Those who are making their way under harsher circumstances, who are living with more challenging issues than those we face are to be blessed, not pitied. Pity turns people into victims, and blinds us to their strength, courage, and persistence. Gratitude enables us to see the grace of God at work in them.

Holy en-Light-enment

Lastly, Jack’s outburst that afternoon demonstrates how hard it is to maintain a thankful, happy heart. There will always be plenty of people and events that derail our gratitude; inept coworkers, cranky family members, unreasonable deadlines, unreliable machines... And, above all, our own impatience.

Jack’s coworker wasn’t necessarily a bad person, perhaps he was simply foolish, thoughtless; caught up in the busyness of life, like so many of us. But his ingratitude (or what Jack took to be ingratitude) drove Jack crazy; he simply could not understand how this otherwise intelligent young man could be so “stupid.”

As we talked, Jack realized that his own gratitude was far from perfect — beginning with his attitude toward the intern. He had never treated the fellow as a cause for rejoicing, but “a cross to bear.” As a mentor Jack had provided no training in the art of thankfulness, but given a daily refresher course in frustration and resentment. If anything was going to change, it had to begin with him.

The only person you can “fix” is yourself. The only person you can convince to live in grateful praise is yourself. If we long for a loving, Christ-centered world, the work must begin with us.

“If your only prayer is ‘Thank you,’ that is enough.”
      ~ Meister Eckhart

Virtual hugs and real-time blessings,

Deborah +

This Week's Spiritual Exercise

Take time out for gratitude.